Fresh start

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Trigger Warning:
Mentions of battling an anxiety disorder.

I wake up each day, thinking this time it would be different

That this time, for once, I wouldn’t have my mid-week meltdown

That I wouldn’t call in sick when really, it’s my mind that’s ailing

That it isn’t the flu, it’s my anxiety

That this is not a disease, but a disorder

Which orders me into this cycle of hiding, fighting and failing

Falling flat on my face and dignity

On the pillow, muffling my sobs

Each time I stay in, give in and sleep it off

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But then, there are small victories

Strewn apart, like wildflowers on dank crevices

Maybe this time it wouldn’t be so different

Maybe I would still have my midweek-meltdown

Maybe this time it would be different, but just a little

And that’s okay, for now

Recovery is not a race, lapses are not relapse

Your life wouldn’t start afresh

But it wouldn’t end this way either

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